Parentspeak: What’s Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children—and What to Say Instead

Though Lehr’s (Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex) parenting guide is uneven, it contains at least one invaluable insight. She writes: “If a child isn’t responding to a reasonable request, then their behavior must be meeting a more pressing need.” She asks parents to give their child’s behavior the time and respect it deserves and then ask: what is that need? It is a profound message, rather buried in a book that can have the “15 Things Not to Say to Your Kids” feel of its blogger origins. Such formulas can be useful; parents who read this may think twice before showering children with “be carefuls” and “good jobs” and limiting their child’s self-calibration for risk and reward. Lehr has synthesized massive amount of parenting information and tested it on daughter Jules and son Hudson. Her advice can have a condescending tone, but it’s still (mostly) good advice. At worst, the final chapter’s suggestion that the criminal justice system might incentivize better parenting skills—by more stringently policing parents who use corporal punishment—is downright misguided. Yet the book contains enough gems and good reminders to make it a worthwhile read for the diligent parent. Agent: Susan Golomb, Writers House. (Jan.)

This review has been corrected. A previous version incorrectly listed the author's previous book.